With the onset of holiday season, I wanted to share some recent reflections on the notion of family. The word “family” has always brought about mixed emotions for me. I come from a small family composed of my mom, dad and brother with autism, so celebrations were never grandiose or very animated. Typically my mom would make delicious food (she was a phenomenal cook), we’d all eat too much and my brother would spend most of the time distracted by his rituals or irritating my parents through his repetitive questions. This was common behavior for individuals with autism, my brother’s two favorite subjects being trains and asking about people that had died or with whom my mother no longer communicated. My father passed away right before I moved to China and the combination of living far from home and not having a family to celebrate with created deep heartache each time a holiday would arise. As a result, I stopped observing most holidays altogether. I did try during my first year outside of the US: having grown up Jewish, I attended one gathering for Rosh Hashana, another for Yom Kippur, but each time felt awkward and out of place. I was searching for my tribe, yet feeling a lack of connection with the people that I met. There was one common factor bringing us all together, a celebration of the same holiday, yet this often didn’t go any deeper than a fleeting evening together.
Now that I am back in the US after seven years abroad, I continue to struggle with this notion of family, especially when it comes to the holidays. My father and brother have passed away and the only close family I have left are my 86 year old mother, her cat Poupon and my two Chinese rescue cats. The responsibility has now shifted to me to determine how we will celebrate the holidays, as my mother is no longer well enough to cook and make lavish meals.
You may experience the concept of “family” and the diverse sensations it can provoke during the holiday season in different ways. Perhaps you have a partner and are less than thrilled when the holidays come around, as they require forced togetherness time with in laws or family that you can only manage in small doses. You could be acknowledging the void of the family that is no longer with you, at least in human form. Or what if you are living far from home and don’t have a spouse, partner, relatives or children to celebrate the holidays with?
I invite you over this holiday season to reflect upon the people in your life that you consider “family” and to lean into the emotions that may come up: joy, sadness, anxiety... What lessons has each person taught you? Your soul chose your mom, dad, siblings, partner, children, etc. to help in its growth and evolution. Your family could be the ones that you love deeply but who also know how to push your buttons, how to trigger you, inviting you to lean into discomfort and examine what part within yourself needs to be healed. If some of your soul family has passed on, the way mine has, how can you honor their memory? This could be by cooking their favorite dish, revisiting memories as you look at pictures, writing them a letter or sharing stories about your time together.
Beyond your blood relatives, who else has become part of your soul family? Maybe it’s a friend that you don’t speak with each day but when you do, you instantly connect and feel their support and love. It could be the kind neighbor who brought you soup when you were sick with Covid or made you Christmas cookies. The holiday season is a perfect time to connect (or reconnect) with these people, giving gratitude for the ways that they have helped you through your journey.
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